George Bailey is my middle name.

I imagine that just about every single person on this planet has seen It's a Wonderful Life. How could you not. Nancy and I don't even watch TV anymore (we gave it up a long time ago) but, I can tell you right here and now it'll be on at least once before Christmas...and why shouldn't it be, it's a great film. You could call it a film of hope. The character George Bailey starts out with a head full of ideas and dreams and just when he's about to fulfill them he's forced to sacrifice them for the sake of his family and for the sake of the town. He's actually shown sacrificing throughout most of the film till life finally dumps the big one on him and he decides to sacrifice the one last thing he has to give, his life. Well along come the angels to help show him what would have happened if he wasn't around to sacrifice for everyone. In the end George wants his miserable life back and gets it only to find all the people he sacrificed for help him out. Like I said its a great story, I always get teary eyed at the end...why because I need to be able to hope that something like that will happen to me someday. That the good deeds you do for others will come back to you .

Like George Bailey I had dreams of my own. I wanted to be a musician, I was even going to college as a music major and all the time my family told me don't be a musician do something more grounded, something that's stable. I have a good stable job now and I can tell you I am fucking miserable. But, lets not get ahead of ourselves. I didn't just get from being a music major to this. It was a gradual slide. It really started with my family imploding. My parents were evicted out of their house just as I had started college and I was lucky enough to be able to live with my grandmother and Aunt. They told me I could stay as long as I kept going to college and when I graduated I'd need to move out. Fine I said but, as soon as they found out I wanted to be a musician then the lectures started. You know, considering I was the only one of three brothers actually trying to get a degree (I had a job as well) I didn't think they'd balk too much about what I wanted to do so as long as I did something. That was not to be the case. I'll tell you now for any parent out there reading this. Your child needs your support! Even if it's not what you would do. If you cut them down for following their passion, it's not only inhuman...its demonic!

I continued my pursuits even though it wasn't popular at home and then my grandmother got really sick. At first my aunt was taking care of her but, then my grandmother had a stroke and she stopped sleeping at night (she was afraid she would die if she went to sleep) so...my aunt stayed up with her. This went on for a little while until my aunt started going crazy (2hrs of sleep a night will do that to you, just ask any parents of a new born) I had quit my job by then and started staying up with her. I'll tell you its so painful to watch a person who was the glue that held the family together, this strong and wise woman go from that to basically an infant. I still remember her asking me every five minutes "I'm I ok?" That went on for a year and by that time I just stopped going to school. I just couldn't handle it emotionally. Well she passed away right about the time I started my new job and all I wanted to do was work and try and pay off the bills that I had racked up (I'm still paying them off). After a couple of years working I met Nancy (one of the few things that's gone right in my life). We wanted to build a life together and I was really interested in getting away from my family, so we moved away. That lasted a year...then I found out my aunt had cancer. Because of the deteriorated relationship of the family I was really worried what was going to happen to her so...Nancy and I moved back home (Nancy had a miscarriage shortly after) and we helped out as much as we could. Or should I say we tried, some people think totally and completely backwards and its really hard to make them see the light. But, we tried. Eventually my aunt lost her fight with cancer and I vowed that I was done watching people die, it's just too much. So we moved out again.

Now I'm saddled with dept no hope to pay it off, can't declare bankruptcy because our congress felt only corporations should have that privilege. We do have a new son (that and my step daughter are truly joys in my life) but, I'll never be able to pay for their schooling...hell we can't even afford day care and Nancy goes back to work in a couple of weeks. So how do we make that work? I'm selling my art on ebay but judging by the bids (0$ as of this date) someone's going to get a hell of a deal on that framed piece. When the car breaks down again (its done it once already) I wont have the money to fix it, unless we go with out eating. We've already sold a lot of our personal stuff just to pay rent...so there is no extra cash flow unless we can generate it ourselves...hence the art for sale. Hell Nancy's even going back to school (absolute insanity to do that while working a full time job and with a baby) just so we can defer her student loan payments.

So...the question I ask is where is my angel...my Clarence? Because if ever I needed one, I need one now. Or I would even settle for the town stopping by and dropping all their money on my kitchen table, that could happen too. In the end though I don't really want a hand out, although I think I'm desperate enough to take one at this point but, what I really want is chance at a better life and a better life for my family.

Just a chance thats all I want...
-adc-

PS You may be asking why I'm writing all of this, the honest answer is...I don't know. Maybe its the sleep deprivation (a new born that screamed at the top of his lungs for three hours straight before going to sleep), maybe it's because of the fact that its 3:30 in the morning or maybe it's the headache that I've had on and off for the past three days...I really don't know.